I had one of those run-ins today. You know the kind. Your kid does something you consider minor to another kid and the other parent loses their cool when you don't discipline your child. I didn't see the event in question here and neither did the other parent, but she demanded that I drag my kid out of a playplace and force him to apologize to her child for something he may or may not have done. I refused.
That's the short story, but it did get me thinking about apologies in general. Is the practice of forcing your child to apologize a good parenting move? I know that I have done it on occasion and I know many parents think it is their responsibility to make their child apologize for anything and everything, even minor misunderstandings or accidents.
I've only been a parent for four years so I am sure my opinions on these things will change as I become more experienced, but from my limited experience I think forcing kids to apologize is not productive.
For one thing, I don't want to teach my kids that they can do something mean and simply apologize and be done with it. Apologies are nice, but actions are better. Asking my kids what they could do to make the person they hurt feel better seems to be a more effective way to encourage them to analyze the effect of their actions on others and then remedy the situation. Sometimes it may be a heartfelt apology. Other times it might mean something different.
We need to admit that we don't always know what is going on in kid world. Maybe a child swatted another kid, but maybe two seconds earlier that kid had spit in his face. It would be very demeaning to force a child to apologize to someone that was actually the aggressor and I don't want to make that mistake with my kids. I want them to know that I will stand up for them if they are being falsely accused of something or if they were simply defending themselves. I will also withhold judgement if there is no proof that they were the responsible party.
This article sums it up nicely. http://www.slate.com/id/2182349
When I am faced with these situations, I will always try to be on the side of common sense and fairness even if the other parent thinks I am a bad parent.
2 comments:
Totally agree with you on the meaningless forced apologies. I only require my kids to apologize if I saw the entire incident and so I'm certain my kid actually did something inappropriate. S is already at the stage where she believes it's OK to knowingly do something wrong, then bat her eyelashes and say, "Sor-ry!" It's icky, manipulative, worse than no apology, and not tolerated around here.
I agree with the meaningless apology. Jeanne will throw something at Loki, and before I can tell her to go to time out, she will start walking away and say 'then say sorry'. The words are meaningless to her. Now I make her tell me how Loki is feeling (crying, fussing, fell over). Although, I would have seen the other parents reaction when you refused to make Little Man apologize.
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